


Drown Out My Thoughts

by Happy_Nonsense



Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Repression, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Two Endings, oh god the angst, slight gore, this hurt to write, vomitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happy_Nonsense/pseuds/Happy_Nonsense
Summary: Remus represses his intrusive thoughts until it becomes too much to handle. Janus tries to help but Remus won't listen. He comes up with a way to end it all. Will Janus be able to find him in time?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 12
Kudos: 44





	1. Main Story

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the main story. From here there's a fork in the road. On chapter two there's the sad ending; on chapter 3 there's the happy ending. Just a side-note, when there's something in between these "{ }", that's Remus's thoughts. Whenever something is like this "[ ]", it's his intrusive thoughts.

Remus was practically bouncing in place, he was fidgeting so much. The others looked at him expectantly, waiting for one of his disturbing comments. After a moment had passed and he stayed silent everyone turned their attention back to the video. As they kept filming Remus continued to fidget. Once the video was over, Logan followed Remus to the mindscape living room.

“Is something troubling you, Remus? You barely said a word and couldn’t keep still.” Logan asked.

Remus opened his mouth to speak but cringed at his thoughts and quickly closed it. Instead he shook his head and sunk out to his room.

Once inside, he made sure the door was locked. Then he opened his closet door to enter his half of the Imagination. It wasn’t dark and murky like most people would think. It was actually quite bright, especially on the occasions that Remus lit things on fire.

The Duke summoned his morning star into his hand and went to the nearest village, allowing himself to go wild. When he was done, instead of houses there were piles of debris and instead of people there were piles of flesh and bones.

He sighed, taking in the sight of his destruction. It was morbidly beautiful, but everything still felt wrong in his mind. He scoffed and trudged back to his room, slamming the closet doors closed with a loud “BANG!”.

Remus flopped onto his bed, stuffed his face into the nearest pillow, and screamed. After five minutes he quieted, feeling a bit better. {I don’t know how much longer I can take this.} He thought, his intrusive thoughts quickly following up with {[That’s what she said!]}

He groaned and pulled at his hair. {Why can’t I just be like the other sides?!} was the last thing he thought before drifting into a nightmare-filled sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Remus woke up feeling worse than the day before. He had a headache and was feeling slightly nauseous. When he sat up he felt dizzy but he shrugged it off.

Trying to clear his mind, Remus made his way downstairs for breakfast. Everyone was already up. He contemplated saying good morning but thought better of it. {I don’t want one of my thoughts to slip out.} He pulled out a chair, turned it so that the back of the chair was against the table, and sat on it like one would sit on a horse.

Logan, who was seated across from him, simply sighed and shook his head. Patton turned from where he was standing at the stove to look at him.

“Remus! Sit like you’re supposed to at the table!” The father figure scolded.

“Aww, but where’s the fun in that?” Remus whined, complying anyway and turning his chair back around.

Logan adjusted his glasses and stated, “There isn’t supposed to be any fun, Remus. It is proper etiquette.”

“Etiquette schmetiquette. I’d rather straddle the chair like I would-“

Virgil quickly cut him off, “Don’t even finish that thought.”

Remus crossed his arms smugly and cast a glance at Deceit, who purposely avoided eye contact.

“You’re just jealous I get more ~action~ than you.” The Duke retorted.

Virgil huffed and rolled his eyes. “Am not. I just don’t want your nasty comments to ruin my appetite.”

{Crap, I didn’t mean to let those things slip out. [Like a di-] No!}

Before Remus could say anything else Patton came over with breakfast; eggs, bacon, grits, toast, and sausage. Remus’s mind immediately starts to generate inappropriate thoughts about sausage-related things.

“I-Uh-be right back!” He stammered before running to his room and slamming the door shut. He entered his bathroom and threw up. A minute or two later he went back to the kitchen.

“Why did you leave so abruptly?” Logan questioned when Remus returned to the table.

“I just had to use the bathroom.” Remus answered, flashing his usual psychotic smile.

Janus’s tongue flicked out, tasting a lie. He cast a glance at him but Remus didn’t make eye contact. So he just placed a (hopefully) comforting hand on top of Remus’s. With everyone moving onto different topics of conversation, Deceit decided to save it for later. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After breakfast Remus went back to his room. He was thinking about going to the Imagination again when a knock sounded at his door.

“Remus? May I come in?” A familiar voice asked.

Remus put on a smile and replied, “Of course, DeeDee!”

The door opened and in walked Deceit. He made his way over to Remus and placed his hands on his arms.

“Why’d you lie earlier?” He asked gently.

Remus looked down at his feet. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Another lie.

“Stop lying to me. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

The Duke sighed and locked eyes with Janus. “It’s nothing, trust me.” He said, shrugging off Janus’s hands.

“Remus, tell me what you’re hiding.” Deceit said sternly. “I’m here for you.”

Remus opened his mouth to tell Janus the truth but instead one of his intrusive thoughts slipped out.

“Did you know hamsters eat their babies?”

Janus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s great, hun, but don’t get off topic.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it-“ he tried to explain before he blurted out yet another intrusive thought. “I wonder if I could scoop out my eyeballs like ice cream.”

Janus began to understand what was happening. “Rem,” he started gently, taking Remus’s hands in his own. “Are you repressing your thoughts?”

He shook his head violently, messing up his hair and moving it in front of his face. “No, I wouldn’t say repressing. I just don’t say them out loud and keep them inside.”

“Darling, that’s repression. You know you weren’t built to hold in your thoughts.” Deceit coaxed as he brushed Remus’s hair away from his face.

Remus bit his lip a little too hard as tears sprung to his eyes. “But- what about the Lights? They don’t like my thoughts. If I let them out they’ll push me away.”

Janus pulled his boyfriend close to his chest. “They won’t, they’ve accepted us now. They might not like everything that comes out of your mouth, but that doesn’t mean they’d shut you out.”

Remus sniffled and smiled. “Thank you, DeeDee.” He plopped a short, messy kiss on his partner’s lips. “I love you more than deodorant.”

Deceit chuckled and replied, “I love you too, silly trash man.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 4 AM. Even Virgil was asleep by now. Remus was “sleeping” in Deceit’s room because his own room has a really bad effect on people. He stealthily wriggled out of Janus’s six arms and stood up.

Immediately he felt dizzy and almost fell over, just barely catching himself on the nightstand. Remus felt a wave of nausea rush over him and as quickly as he could, rushed to the bathroom. He knelt down in front of the toilet and emptied his stomach. Even after his stomach was empty he continued to dry heave, still feeling sick.

He carefully stood up and took a look at himself in the mirror. His face was red, he was sweating so heavily that his hair stuck to his face, and he had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. Remus washed out his mouth to get rid of the awful taste and smell of puke. He also decided to shower since he was so sweaty.

Janus was sitting on the bed when Remus got out of the bathroom, towel draped around his waist. “Good morning, Dee!” He chimed.

Janus quirked an eyebrow, looking Remus up and down. “I didn’t know you were capable of taking a shower without being forced to.”

Remus frowned. “I don’t always have to be dirty.”

“Of course you don’t, love. I’m just curious as to why you took a shower so early in the morning? It’s 5 AM.” Janus pointed out.

Remus tensed up. He couldn’t lie to Deceit, but he couldn’t tell him the truth. As nonchalantly as he could, he shrugged his shoulders and answered, “I just got up early.”

Janus stuck out his tongue. Truth. “Well,” he started, getting up from the bed. “Get dressed and I’ll make some food for us.”

Remus smirked and grabbed Deceit’s wrist, pulling him close. He gave a surprised gasp and blushed at the closeness.

“Remus! Let me go! You need to put some clothes on.” Janus huffed.

Remus moved his other hand to Janus’s waist. “What if I don’t want to?”

Janus pushed Remus back. “Get dressed, you horny rat. I’m hungry, and not for you.”

Remus whined and made puppy dog eyes at Deceit.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Maybe later, but no promises.”

After hearing that, the Duke perked up and went over to his dresser. Janus smiled softly and sunk out to the kitchen.

Remus made sure that Deceit had left before going to the bathroom to take some pills for his headache and nausea. He got dressed and went to the kitchen as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Remus ate, he had multitudes of intrusive thoughts swimming through his brain. He refused to let any of them out. This was a mistake on his part, as it just worsened the waves of nausea. It seemed that the pills he took did nothing to help. 

He was trying to eat quickly so that he could rush to the toilet. Deceit took notice of this and questioned him.

“Why are you eating so quickly, darling? Usually you like to savor your food and talk with me.” 

{[Savor the food like you savor-] No! Shut up!}

“Oh? Sorry, didn’t even realize.” Remus quickly answered, slowing down only a little.

Janus sighed and decided to leave it alone. He guessed it had to do with Remus suppressing his thoughts lately. 

After putting away his plate, Remus went straight to the bathroom. He had just sat down and immediately he was throwing up his breakfast. He had been in there for five minutes when he heard a knock at the door.

“Remus? Are you okay?” Janus asked through the door.

Slightly panicking, Remus cleared his throat and responded, “Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

Lie. 

“Are you sure? You’ve been in there for a while.”

“Trust me, I’m okay. I’ll be out shortly.” Remus assured him.

Janus walked away from the door, knowing that Remus wasn’t going to break. He sighed and picked up a book, sitting down on the bed and beginning to read.

Remus walked out of the bathroom and sat next to Deceit. He stuck his face in front of the book and asked, “Whatcha reading?”

Janus huffed out a sigh and pushed his face away. “It’s called ‘Eleanor & Park’. Now leave me alone.”

Remus made a pouty face and rested his head on his hands, swinging his feet in the air. “Aww, I just wanna spend time with my beautiful boyfriend.” He fluttered his eyelashes innocently.

Janus blushed and lifted his book up to cover his face. “Ssshut up.” He mumbled.

“What? It’s true~” He teased as he brought the book back down.

“You won’t tell me what’s going on, so I refuse to spend time with you.” Janus argues, turning away from Remus.

Remus dramatically gasped. “That’s not fair!”

Janus just smirked and kept reading his book. Remus huffed and rolled off the bed onto the floor. He immediately regretted that choice, as it made his headache ten times worse. He winced and brought his hands to his temples.

Deceit peeked over the edge of the bed. “Remus? Are you okay, love?” 

{No, no I’m not. I’m in pain. Everything hurts. I feel like I’m dying.}

“It’s just a headache.” Remus answered through a pained smile. He got up and went to the bathroom, taking more pills.

“Okay, why don’t you rest a little? Come take a nap.” Janus coaxed.

Remus gently nodded and snuggled himself up to his side. Even the smallest movements amplified his pain. Janus ran his fingers through his hair carefully, making sure he didn’t hurt Remus.

“Heh, I thought you said you weren’t gonna spend time with me.” Remus said.

Janus hissed quietly at him and stuck out his tongue. Remus chuckled and winced again, closing his eyes.

“Go to sleep, you need it.” Janus told him.

Remus hummed in response and drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately, he still had nightmares.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus shot up from his sleep, his headache feeling a little better. Janus was nowhere in sight. He considered this a good thing as he rushed to the bathroom for the millionth time that week. {When is this going to stop?!} 

He got out of the bathroom and checked the time. It was 5 PM, did he really sleep that long?? Remus decided to go find Janus. He sunk out to the living room.

Roman and Virgil were cuddled on the couch watching TV while Logan was in an armchair reading a book. No sign of Janus though. Remus entered the kitchen to find Patton making dinner. He wasn’t in here either.

“Hey dadd-“ Remus stopped himself. “Hey, Pat!”

“Hiya kiddo! Need something?” Patton smiled.

“Uh, actually, have you seen Janus anywhere?” He asked.

Patton pursed his lips. “No, you can’t find him?” 

“No, but I haven’t looked everywhere yet so I’ll go do that.” Remus quickly walked out. He made his way to his own room and sat down. {Where could Janus possibly be? I should try to summon him before getting too worried.}

Remus pulls his hand up in a summoning gesture and Janus pops up in his room. Remus smiles and gives him a hug.

“JJ! I was about to start thinking that you left me!” Remus half-joked.

Deceit gave him a sad smile and kissed him on the cheek. “I would never leave you, silly. Is something wrong?” He asked.

“No, I just wanted to know where you were. That’s all.” Remus responded.

Janus pulled away from the hug and saw Remus’s hair was messy, as if he had just gotten out of bed. 

“You were asleep for a while, have you been getting enough sleep?”

Remus grinned and dodged the question. “I’m hungry, can we go eat? I might have to resort to eating you if I don’t get food soon.”

Janus rolled his eyes lovingly but frowned. Remus had avoided his question. 

“Sure, hun. Let’s go.” Janus said, grabbing Remus’s hand and sinking them out to the kitchen.

Patton looked up at the two of them and smiled. “Glad you found him kiddo! Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

“Thank you, Patton.” Janus said and walked into the living room. He sat down on the love seat beside the couch.

Remus followed behind him, sitting on top of his lap. 

“Remus!” Janus exclaimed. “I can’t see with you in front of me.”

“Well I guess you’ll have to deal with it then, I’m comfortable.” Remus shrugged nonchalantly.

Janus sighed and wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist. He leaned his head against his back and closed his eyes. 

He must’ve fallen asleep, and he woke up with Remus in his face poking his scales. Janus hissed at him.

“Remusss! Ssstop it! You know my scales are sensitive.” He scolded.

Remus gave him pouty lips but stopped poking him. “Patton wanted me to wake you up for dinner.”

Janus stood up and brushed the wrinkles out of his clothes. Remus stayed in the living room.

Janus raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you not going to eat?” He asked.

Remus shook his head. “No, I ate a snack while you were asleep.”

Lie.

Janus sighed and went to the table, leaving Remus by himself in the living room. His headache had worsened since he woke up, and he was feeling sick to his stomach. Remus was good at playing pretend though, so he hid it pretty well. At least, he hid it well from everyone but Janus.

Remus loved Janus, but sometimes his ability to detect lies was aggravating. He couldn’t get away with anything around Janus. His stomach lurched, bringing him out of his thoughts. {Oh God, not again.}

Remus made his way to his bathroom and threw up. He leaned his head against the wall, feeling weak. Having constant sickness and headaches all week really drained him. {I’m not sure I can keep this up..}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus awoke to banging on the bathroom door. He must’ve fallen asleep.

“Remus! Open the door now!” Janus yelled from the other side.

Remus groaned and tried to push himself up, failing and falling over. He landed with a thud on his side.

“Remus?!” Janus’s concerned voice called out.

He crawled to the door and lifted his arm up just enough to reach the door knob. He unlocked the door and collapsed once again. Janus opened the door and gasped.

“Remus, what happened?” He asked as he sat down beside him and took Remus into his lap.

Remus mumbled something unintelligible and curled into himself. Janus sighed and carried him to the bed. 

“Oh Remus..” Janus blinked the tears that were forming in his eyes away. He carded his fingers gently through Remus’s hair. Remus’s breathing evened out as he fell back asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus opened his eyes as he woke up from another nightmare. He looked beside him and saw Janus lying there, reading a book. 

“JanJan?” Remus whispered.

Janus quickly turned his head towards Remus. “Oh, Remus thank goodness. I was starting to get worried about you.”

“What happened?” He asked as he sat up, wincing because his whole body felt sore.

“I’m not too sure..” Janus admitted. “I just came in to find the bathroom door locked. When you finally opened it you were basically passed out on the floor.”

Remus frowned. {I don’t remember...oh wait. I must’ve fallen asleep after getting sick.} 

Janus waved a hand in front of his face. “Hello? Earth to Remus?”

Remus blinked and focused his attention on Janus. “Sorry, I zoned out.” He apologized.

“It’s okay, care to share your thoughts?” 

He shook his head. “No, it’s nothing.”

Janus frowned but decided not to push it. “What were you doing in the bathroom anyway? It took, like, thirty minutes for you to open the door.”

“Oh, I fell asleep.” Remus replied.

“In the bathroom?!” 

Remus nodded and yawned. “What time is it?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Midnight. You were asleep for six hours.” Janus responded.

“And you stayed up to wait for me?”

Janus nodded and smiled. “Of course I did.” He grabbed Remus’s hand. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Remus smiled back and kissed Janus softly. “Thank you.”

Janus hummed in response and kissed Remus again. Remus could sob, he loved this man so much. He hated keeping the truth from him. But he knew that Janus wouldn’t understand. No one would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Remus, shut up. No one needs to hear the garbage that comes out of your mouth.” Patton said.

“Patton? What-“ 

“You heard him, stop talking. You never bring anything useful to our conversations.” Logan cut him off.

Remus held back his tears. “But I’ve been trying so hard lately. I’ve been keeping in my intrusive thoughts, even around Janus.”

Virgil scoffed. “No matter how hard you try, you’ll always be the evil twin. I’m glad I left.”

“Ro..?” Remus’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Roman crossed his arms and looked away. “I wish you weren’t my brother.”

That hit Remus hard. He fell to his knees and completely broke down. Tears were streaming down his face when someone appeared in front of him. He looked up and saw his boyfriend.

“Jan! I-I’m so glad you’re here-“

“Get up.” Janus commanded.

Remus was a little taken aback, but he figured Janus was just angry at the others so he complied. When he stood up Janus slapped him across the face.

“JanJan?” Remus gasped.

“I regret ever dating you. We’re done.” Janus seethed.

Remus couldn’t believe it. He had tried so hard to be good. He kept in his thoughts, he rarely spoke, what was he doing wrong? Everyone he loved had just tore him apart. Maybe Virgil was right. Maybe he’s just meant to be the evil twin. Maybe he should do everyone a favor and disappear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus jolted awake and found that he was crying. 

“Remus?” Janus mumbled sleepily, eyes half-closed. When he saw that Remus was crying he sat up. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?” He asked softly.

Remus’s breathing was ragged and shaky. That was by far one of the worst nightmares he’d ever had, and that was coming from Remus. Janus had his hands on both sides of Remus’s face.

“Darling, focus on me. Feel my hands on your face. Hear my voice. Take deep breaths, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight.” Janus soothed.

Remus put his hands on top of Janus’s and tapped out the breathing pattern. After his breathing had steadied he laid his head against Janus’s chest. Janus rubbed Remus’s back comfortingly as he continued to sniffle.

“Shh, it’s okay baby. I’m here now.” Janus whispered words of comfort to Remus as he played with his hair. After a few moments had passed Janus spoke again, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Remus stayed silent for a few seconds before responding. “No, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. I...” he went quiet.

“Re?” Janus prompted.

“I’m tired Jan Jan. No, I’m exhausted. I just want to yank out my brain and pound it into a huge, messy pile of pink and red mush. It’d be all slippery and gooey and awful.” He admitted. Janus knew this was Remus’s way of telling him his thoughts were bothering him.

Janus could do nothing but comfort the pitiful man in his arms. He wished so badly to take all of Remus’s thoughts out of his mind. But he knew he couldn’t, he could only watch Remus silently suffer. Remus is very stubborn. He won’t listen to any advice he’s given and he keeps his thoughts to himself although Janus told him not to. Yet, Janus couldn’t find any part of himself that resented him.

Remus leaned back. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Alright dear, don’t fall asleep again.” Janus joked. Remus chuckled softly and went to the bathroom. 

He threw up almost immediately when he got to the toilet. He sighed and cleaned himself up. Remus sat next to the toilet against the wall. He started to lightly bang his head on the wall to distract himself from his nausea. He started to become lost in his thoughts as he subconsciously hit his head harder.

Janus heard muffled thumps from the bathroom. As a few minutes passed by they became louder and louder. He was starting to get worried so he went over to the bathroom door. 

“Remus? Darling, are you alright?” Janus asked through the door.

Hearing his boyfriend’s voice, Remus snapped out of his trance. He hissed at the overwhelming pain that had suddenly come over him. He reached for the back of his head and saw that he was bleeding.

“Crap...” he mumbled under his breath. Louder, he said, “Yes, Jan Jan, I’m alright.”

The lie was bitter on Janus’s tongue. “Remus, please tell me the truth. You don’t have to keep your feelings to yourself. You’re allowed to not be okay. You can tell me these things.”

It was all Remus could do to not burst out into tears at those words. He stood up, opened the door, and rushed into Janus’s arms. Janus held him tightly until he noticed that Remus was bleeding.

“Remus? What happened?!” He gasped.

“It's nothing-“ Remus began, but was cut off by Janus.

“You’re bleeding, Remus. That’s not nothing. Tell the truth. Now.” He demanded.

Remus squinted his eyes shut to stop the tears in his eyes from flowing out. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt myself, it was an accident, honestly. I was banging my head against the bathroom wall and didn’t realize. I’m sorry.” He rambled.

Janus was taken aback. He wanted to make sure Remus was taken care of before they continued this conversation. He went into the bathroom to get a warm washcloth and some bandaging. He gently wiped Remus’s head clean where he had hit it, then wrapped the bandage around it. 

“Do you need some ice?” Deceit asked. He shook his head no. “Okay, now. Why have you been acting weird all week and hurting yourself, even accidentally?”

Remus’s lip trembled. {I can’t tell him I’ve been repressing my thoughts. He already spoke to me about it, he’ll be mad. I wish I could just drown everything out. [Then do it!]} His intrusive thoughts decided to chime in. {That’s not a half bad idea actually...}

“Remus, darling? Talk to me, please.” Janus begged. Remus couldn’t stop himself from crying, seeing someone so upset because of him. 

“I’m sorry, Jan. So, so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Any of it.” He whispered.

“Hey, look at me.” Remus made eye contact with Janus. “I started dating you knowing what I would have to put up with and go through. I love you and accept you for all you are. Never assume differently, you hear me? I don’t want you saying things like that.”

Remus’s lower lip trembled. He was causing the person he loved so much pain. It tore him apart with guilt. “I’m sorry, Jan.”

“Stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong. Come here.” He opened his arms and held Remus tight. Remus was grateful for how understanding and gentle Janus was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus got up early the next morning, before anyone else in the house. His thoughts were as persistent as ever. {Y’know what? I should do what I thought about yesterday. Maybe I really can drown out my thoughts..[Yes, yes, do it!]} Remus sighed and went to the Imagination to get things ready.

He had written a letter and grabbed a chain with a weight tied to it. He left the letter on the nightstand next to the bed where Janus lay sleeping. A sad smile crossed Remus’s face and he leaned over and left a final kiss on Janus’s cheek. “I’m sorry, Janus.” he whispered.

He made his way downstairs, everyone was still asleep. He made his way outside and walked out to the pool. Standing there, staring at it, it finally hit Remus that he was really going to do this. He took a deep breath in and let it out. He walked over to the deep end and sat down, letting his toes dip into the water. 

“Okay, time to do this.” he said to himself.

Remus shackled the chain onto his ankle. The weight was very heavy, he’d had to use both hands to carry it here. He glanced back towards the house, thinking about his friends still sleeping inside, oblivious to what was happening. He felt a small twinge of regret in his heart, but quickly pushed it out of his head before he could change his mind. “No,” he said. “I’m going to do this. I’m going to drown everything out.” 

Taking one last breath in, he pushed himself off the edge and plunged into the pool. The weight connected to his chain sunk quickly to the bottom, dragging Remus down with it. Remus’s heart started racing, his survival instincts kicking in and filling him with adrenaline. But he didn’t move. He didn’t do anything. He just let himself float, choking on the water that was filling his lungs. 

[This is it..] he thought. [It’s finally over. I’m finally free.] He closed his eyes as he felt his body relax. There were no longer any bubbles floating up to the surface. Remus had stopped choking on the water. The fight was over.


	2. The End(Sad Ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of his stream of thoughts. The beginning of never-ending pain for his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry guys

[This is it..] he thought. [It’s finally over. I’m finally free.] He closed his eyes as he felt his body relax. There were no longer any bubbles floating up to the surface. Remus had stopped choking on the water. The fight was over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Janus awoke to find an empty spot in the bed next to him. He figured Remus was in the bathroom again, recovering from the effects of his repression. Deceit stood up and made his way to the bathroom, only to open the door and find it empty. His heart dropped slightly but he didn’t start to panic just yet. 

Janus sunk out to the living room. There was no sign of Remus and the others were still asleep. He checked the kitchen and it was also empty. After checking every room in the Mindscape (even the Imagination) Janus let himself start to worry.  _Where is he?!_

Going back to his room, Janus looked around for something, anything that would tell him where Remus was. That’s when he saw it: the note on the dresser. He took a breath in and picked it up. It was difficult to read with Remus’s sloppy handwriting and a bunch of ink smudges from wet spots. Janus could make out what it said though. It read:

_Hi DeeDee. I’m really, really sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t take it anymore. They were too loud. So, I decided to drown them out. Normal people usually write notes for this sort of thing so I decided to be normal for at least one time before I died. I love you. I leave my heart to you, I ripped it out and left it in a jar in the closet before I left. :}) You’re amazing. You’re like the sun, except you don’t melt my skin off when I go near you. I’d still like you even if you did. Anyways, I’m sorry. I’m in the pool if you’re looking for me. I love you. I’m so sorry._

_ Remus _

Janus felt his heart shatter. He couldn’t even form words to describe what he was feeling reading that letter. He raced to the pool only to find what he feared he would; he saw Remus floating underwater. Eyes closed, skin a horrible shade of blue and purple, mouth agape. Deceit ran to him and ripped his shirt and shoes off. He dived into the water and quickly undid the chains. He grabbed Remus and dragged him up out of the pool. 

Janus trembled as he attempted to preform CPR, though he knew his efforts were futile. “No..please no.” he whispered as he started to choke on his sobs. “No. NO!” he screamed as he held Remus to his chest with his limp head in his hands. “No, god, no, please. Remus, please wake up I need you.” 

Patton and Logan came running outside, Virgil and Roman following close behind. “We heard screaming what’s-“ Patton stopped short when he saw the scene in front of him. “Oh my god.”

Nothing, absolutely nothing, could describe how all five of them felt when they lost Remus. It was cold, so cold without him. It was quiet, so quiet without him. They never recovered, never were able to be themselves again. There were some good days, but there were more bad days. 

It hit Janus the hardest. Remus was always there for him. He was the only one who never left Janus. Until now. He had lost him. Forever. 


	3. The End (Happy Ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiii sorry it took so long for me to update ;-; here is the happy ending!! enjoy!!

[This is it..] he thought. [It’s finally over. I’m finally free.] He closed his eyes as he felt his body relax. There were no longer any bubbles floating up to the surface. Remus had stopped choking on the water. The fight was over.

Or so he thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Janus woke up and noticed Remus was missing from his usual spot next to him. He thought it strange but didn’t make much of it until he looked over and saw a note on the nightstand. Hurriedly he picked it up and read the following:

_ Hi DeeDee. I’m really, really sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t take it anymore. They were too loud. So, I decided to drown them out. Normal people usually write notes for this sort of thing so I decided to be normal for at least one time before I died. I love you. I leave my heart to you, I ripped it out and left it in a jar in the closet before I left. :}) You’re amazing. You’re like the sun, except you don’t melt my skin off when I go near you. I’d still like you anyways. Anyways, I’m sorry. I’m in the pool if you’re looking for me. I love you. I’m so sorry. _

_ Remus _

“Oh god, Remus..” Janus muttered as a sob started to work its way up his throat. He quickly sunk outside and found Remus’s lifeless body floating in the pool. “No!” Janus cried out, running to him. He dove into the pool, time seeming to slow down as he struggled to get Remus out of the shackle. 

When he was finally released, Remus was dragged to the surface and hoisted up onto the side of the pool by Janus, who started to perform CPR like his life depended on it, because it did.

Janus had started to give up hope when he heard a sudden gasp come from Remus, followed by choking. He quickly turned him on his side so he stopped choking; allowing the water to escape his lungs.

After it seemed that Remus was finished Janus grabbed him and held him tight. “Oh god, Remus. Never do that again, you hear me? I thought I had lost you.” His voice cracked at the end as he let out a sob and held Remus impossibly tighter.

The only words Remus could manage in Janus’s vice-like grip was, “I’m sorry.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Remus had gotten a shower and dried off, Janus sat him down to talk. “Remus...” he tried to start, but he was at a loss of words. He could only look helplessly into his partner’s sad, guilty eyes. 

Remus slid closer to him on the bed, interlocking their fingers together. Janus didn’t mind, he appreciated being able to feel Remus; to know he was still there and still alive. That thought alone nearly sent him into tears again. 

After a few more moments of silence he finally spoke up, “I’m not mad. And you don’t need to apologize to me. For anything.”

Remus looked up at that, seemingly on the verge of tears. “I just want you to know that I love you, that I don’t know what I’d without you. Please, Remus. Please promise me you’ll stay with me.”

Remus stayed silent but he gave a small, tearful nod as he stared down at their hands. Janus kissed the top of his head and leaned his own against Remus’s.

They still had a lot to work through, and it’d take some time for Remus, and Janus, too, to heal from this, but they knew they were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter and it didn’t seem too rushed or anything!! Let me know if there’s any mistakes or something that i could improve upon!! Thank you for reading☺️🙏


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